Have you ever felt that there is something missing in your life? Something that you are looking for, but unfortunately you don’t know where to start? As for me, I always feel this. I was then at home, when I feel this urge again. Sadness suddenly squeezed me, and my heart weighted like it was poured a lot of stone inside of it. While I was then browsing, I saw a status posted by Queenie Padilla:
“Offering Salah (Prayer) is good thing but the best thing is to offer it with great concentration (Kushu) and it can only be attain by giving Dawah, visiting Islamic gatherings, listening reminders and reciting Quran. There is no more Kushu in our prayers that is why even praying hard won’t get answered, sometimes.”
I then thought that, I’ve been a Muslim for almost years now since I was born, but I didn’t have the opportunity to grow my spiritual being. Maybe it was my upbringing, but as much as I would like, I don’t want to blame anyone from this thing that had happen. Previous years, I wanted to do all that stuff that was mentioned by Queenie, and successfully, some of them were already made possible by a lot of efforts on my part, yet the world is much stronger. I always felt that my heart and my mind is very innocence to be influence by other feelings, and my most fearless enemy is no other than myself. How can I defeat this kind of enemy? (This is what I had asked myself.) In Islamic perspective, your other self is what they call “nafs”, and in English term, the other side of yourself is your “EGO”. Some of the human beings when they have something done that are wrong; occasionally they can’t stop their self from doing it. I could say the EGO part is much stronger. I want to defeat this kind of thing in me, but my enemy is much stronger than me. It’s like I am being held up until I choke down when some factors suddenly came up, and my heart beat faster than the usual beating and I hate it. Every day I would like try to force myself to do something, because if I won’t, I will only trap myself in this thing called cage of life. I don’t know when will be the day that I will completely forget about this world desire, but I am hoping that Allah (swt) will enlighten me and bring some people in my life that would help and understand me in defeating this kind of enemy.
There are those times, where I always wanted to search for a school for Islamic studies far from home to force myself, but to no avail I didn’t find anything. Ya Rabb, let me find my own destiny to feel and answer my prayers and give me wisdom that I needed. Fulfill what my heart desire in terms of spirituality, and change this sadness deep inside into an enlighten one that hope it will change me forever.
Below this is a video that I would like to share to everyone out there, who is also looking for an answer that they would like to achieve and make this sadness of life goes away.