I guess, the time has come in order for me to end it. It’s not healthy anymore. I would say, I am currently indignant with my marriage situation I am in, but the fact that it’s not working, I have to stop it. Several girls in this world really would like to have a lifetime partner. A prince that will save them from the distress of being single, and love that a girl ever wanted. A happy every after effect, that’s what we are looking for. However, facing the harsh reality, happily ever after is not for everyone, just like me. I guess, I expect too much, and I am craving for an affection from a guy but it was dreadful. Love that is one sided and no proof of getting back would only put me in too much pain. Being martyr is not an option for me. I’ve been doing this, like for 4 years of this marriage, but I am only hurting myself in this kind of set up. I can’t take the pain anymore, and being so negative toward myself caused me too much. A collateral damage for my act of denying that someday, somewhere, miracles would happen for us. However, what Nora Aunor’s state in one of her movies: “Walang himala, nasa tao ang himala!” (There is no miracle, only human do the miracles” I deceived myself from the illusion of miracles. A miracle that he would love me, and somehow forget that girl. But some guys do really choose what their heart felt, even breaking the law. So, I did say to myself “Okay, let’s end it. Move on from our own pace.” I wouldn’t deny that maybe at some point, I’ve done something wrong. This might be the reason; I never had been into a relationship, and I never had the chance to experience the boy-girl relationship, and that’s why ended up with nothing. Being single woman is the most appropriate for me. Yeah, I might be selfish in this kind of thinking, yet I am protecting myself from going to another relationship that would end into oblivion. Is it wrong to be born as NBCB? (No Boyfriend since Birth) I guess not. It is only that one’s heart cannot be altered once it loves someone else. I don’t care about what other people says, all that matter now is letting things in order to free everyone that is involve with this parental marriage. A marriage that keeps his mother in pain, my parents who always think about my feeling, and relatives who are concern about us. I guess, once I cut the string off, it would set everyone else free. He can marry the person he loves, and free me from tying into a doubtful future. This is for the best, “That’s what I am thinking about!”
As much as possible, I wouldn’t be so negative on this post, and even say something from this pain I am feeling now, but rather, I would like to share with you guys the positive wisdom I did get from this marriage.
I did find that love is such a wonderful thing. It’s no wonder that some people are addict finding this one, as it makes you happy. It’s like every day is a beautiful day. It even gives you the positive vibes, putting a smile in your cheek, and looking forward seeing that someone in the morning.
I did realize my weakness, and the person who I really am.
I also see the super ego deep inside me, and that I don’t have the most control of it.
I guess, that’s the high light of positive marriage life I had. However, the pain and the stress I’ve gone through is something extraordinary. I never had a painful experience in my entire life than this one, and it then follow after the other. If you’re going to ask me either I will go with the same experience or not, I guess that’s enough. I would gladly accept the fact of being single ‘til the end. Yet, I am not closing any door since Allah (saw) always has something that He destined for us to do. To tell you the truth, I don’t really know how will I coop up with this thing, but I guess I just let time heal itself. Compared to the previews years, now, my heart is somewhat calmer than the previews. I am happy that my freedom will be returned to me, yet sad because He was my FIRST LOVE. A fairy tale that came so soon, and ended so soon. Life is always imperfect, but thanks God I am alive, and I have my family, and friends whose there no matter what.
After years, we’ve never been a real couple. Perhaps, it is me who is the reason for this or you who seems to be undecided on things you want to do in life. I always wander wither you really like me or not. I did question you this one, but the only thing you answered were silence words that the wind couldn’t even tell wither you utter a words or not. It disheartened me about this issue, but I couldn’t force you because I really am afraid that you might declare a negative words that will even give me side effects, just like a poison that could kill its patient in one drink.
I put every words on this writing because I have no one else to relay this one. Perhaps, I might be looking for someone to understand and give me the appropriate answer to my queries in your action. Or I might be hoping for you to read these words that I’m putting in this wall, because I always wanted an affection coming from you that no one else can give in this world. I am seeking love, not from a sister nor brother, not from a parent nor anyone, but only your love that I am after. Yet this one seems a light year away for me to reach. I didn’t even know if for example I would travel unto this, will I ever see myself at the end? I couldn’t tell.
Do you know that whenever you go home, you’re living a scar in my heart? Do you have a heart that could feel this wanting from a wife to her husband? Do you know that the one who is writing this one really does love you, but she’s been in doubting mood because she didn’t know you will? She couldn’t reflect herself to someone like you who put his self in a protected side of a barrier. You were planning a lot of things in your life, but do you ever think of a plan for us? I am afraid, I could tell you didn’t. It appears you don’t know what to do with me all along. I could never imagine with someone else better than you, but if ever there is someone who seems to care enough for the writer itself, who exceeds you, then maybe I couldn’t help but to hope for this one. You always left my heart a scar, and I didn’t know how long I will keep this. But remember, in everything there is always an expiration, as I said earlier, if there is someone who will go beyond you, who cares for me a lot more than you do, then let me say the word sorry but I might fell for this. You could not keep a wandering heart from wandering for your love that seems an impossible to reach.
Don’t let this heart from wandering, because someday it will grow weak from WAITING!
You thought I didn’t love you? I do love you dearly and earnestly. I could not tell you or show you much I love you so. I am looking for a thoughtful hug coming from you, a caress that will make me feel like “Im thankful that I was born for you”. I am longing for an affection coming from you my dear. But the circumstances aren’t working on us, my dear secret lover. I did dream of you last night. It was a Fajr prayer, since I didn’t see you for how many months now…from that dream I didn’t hesitate to hug you so tight as that I’ve missed you so much that it moved me to tears. You didn’t know how my heart longs for such a love that doesn’t come from anyone, but only you who could provide that to me.
I missed you, my secret love!
As a married woman, I hoped for a good family and have a baby of my own. I was imagining myself for quite a while now like thinking “What would it be like if I had my little ones?” Will he/she inspires me? Will he/she motivates me to be at my best of all time? Will he/she gives me the happiness that I couldn’t find in this world? Maybe, if a little one comes my facebook, twitter, instagram, blogs and other related websites will be flooded with picture of her/him. I will probably flood my closet with many albums just for her/him. Every details will be important for him/her as well as for me. It brings happiness by thinking this.
I am always hearing so many stories about mom, and saw some friends with their little ones somehow I envy them. They tell their stories about being mom and posting pictures, and looking at them, I can see their happiness that you wouldn’t find from any single ladies. Looks that a mother only has for their little ones. I always come to this point where I could just wish that one day I’ll have one, yet I am afraid it won’t come. As I type these words, I could almost cry imagining how happy it would be, and feeling regret of the event that be fall on me. A friend of mine told me that I might not be ready why God hasn’t given me little ones. Maybe she’s right, it now gives me the doubt if I can grow and protect a child with my own hands. Please, let me take these feelings into this writing just for once. I, also carry a burden that breaks my heart to the most that it kills me inside. As much as I want to control it, somehow it results to tears because I couldn’t carry heavily inside me.
I am a married woman, due to some circumstances; it feels like I am still single. No husband to worry about. There is no one to whom I can hang out with. Someone whom I can call my knights in shining armour. Someone whom I can tell everything, and anything under the sun, a play mate. However, what I conceptualize is very different from my reality. It is missed up. I was left the same I was back then. I don’t know, but maybe I brought these things up to myself. We are not yet divorce because he won’t let go of me. I always asked him to release me but he wouldn’t. I fell that he doesn’t need me and that he won’t be happy with me, why is he prolonging his own agony and mine as well if our star wouldn’t let it be. I love him so dearly, but in this life we could not control over something that is already in there. I don’t like to tell my full stories since there is that issue that should be left hidden to public. So, please forgive me if I won’t go into details.
Sometimes, I do wander if we will meet each other in the next life, (though I know this perception is not in our Holy Book except death) but I can’t help but to wander about this. Are we going to meet again? Can we love each other again? Maybe some of you will tell, “why don’t you do it now while your still at it.” As far as I’d love to do so, I couldn’t. There is that force that is stopping me to do so. Maybe one of these reasons is not being so familiar with boys. I never mingle with boys. So, I don’t know how to react in front of them. I’ve been protecting myself from them, and learned to relay more on myself, and didn’t see the wanderof relaying to someone whom you really care the most. My childhood memories about being in love to someone were being shuttered in an instant. I wanted to blame everything around; however, I don’t have the right to do so. I will keep myself in silence.
I am not looking for a piety, but I am just venting out just for this once.
I place my worries in an unknown page where no one is so familiar with. The dream i had and the memories of you will be just part of a written page created only to be read by me in years to come, and someday I will have the opportunities to laugh about it…and tell to myself “Naoh, that was during my younger years…” hehe (just taking my imagination to a leap. Happy Sunday!!!! — feeling wonderful.
This is a continuation from what I have started since yesterday. So, ready yourself and get yourself another 101-200 ways on how to show whats in your heart with the person you care about!
101. be willing to go where the other wants to go, even if it’s not your preference.
102. Encourage her to spend as much time with her friends as you do with yours.
103. Never complain about each other to your parents.
104. Even though you are a guest, pitch in and help your in-laws with whatever needs doing.
105. Find out what each of you admires about your parents, and strive for that in your own relationship.
106. Allow him the harmless horseplay he enjoys with the guys.
107. Be cordial to the people in each other’s life, and treat them as if they are important to you, too.
108. Never complain about visiting each other’s parents or other family members.
109. Always agree ahead of time how long a visit will last.
110. Reassure each other whenever one of you needs it, no matter how often.
111. Make the focus of your relationship each other’s heart, not your bodies.
112. Try to be the first to say “I love you” in any situation where it is appropriate.
113. Send each other flowers at the office. Don’t send the same flowers every time.
114. Be sure to include a romantic message with every gift. Don’t use the same message every time.
115. Wait on each other hand and foot on your birthdays.
116. Plan ahead and celebrate birthdays in grand fashion.
117. Be considerate, even if you don’t understand why she is upset.
118. Never point a finger in anger.
119. Remember that it is important to taljk through your difference. Don’t “just drop it”. It will fester.
120. Be patient, even if you asked him not to be late.
121. Forgive and forget every offense, without exception. The more difficult it is to forgive, the more important it is to do so.
122. Become adept at forgetting. Harboring resentments will erode the best in each of you.
123. Give each other the passwords to your email.
124. Never open each other’s mail.
125. Shop together for furniture and the artwork you use in decorating your home.
126. For a change, go shopping together and each of you pick out something for the other.
127. Believe it —he is trying to get to everything on your list. Thank him when you get to mark one off.
128. Look for the things you can agree upon and focus on them.
129. Fulfill all you responsibilities to each other willingly. Don’t be afraid to go the second mile.
130. Don’t complain if there is a third or fourth mile.
131. Believe it— she does more for you than you will ever realize. Thank her as often as you can.
132. Treat each other so well that you confidence in each other never wavers.
133. It is important to trust each other, and even more important to be trustworthy. So be so.
134. When one of you says, “No”, respect it.
135. Set out with no destination in mind. Enjoy the process of getting somewhere together.
136. Nog each other about staying healthy.
137. Never let your life get so busy that you don’t have time for each other.
138. Be each other’s best friend.
139. Tell each other stories abut the funny things that happened when you were children.
140. Be sure to reciprocate every gesture of patience, affection, kindness, assistance, and unselfishness.
141. Be uninhibited in showing affection—not obnoxious, just enthusiastic.
142. Just for fun, carry her across the threshold occasionally.
143. Remember, everybody enjoys having their back scratched. Well, almost everybody.
144. The same goes for foot massages.
145. Just for fun, wear nothing but his bathrobe now and then.
146. Enjoy bug mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows together on the first day of winter.
147. Stay in good physical shape for each other.
148. Encourage each other in everything you do.
149.If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.
150. Work hard to break your bad habits, and don’t go back to them.
151. Always accept help when it is offered.
152. never demand an apology. Wait for it to arrive in its own time.
153. Keep a jar for loose change. When it is full, cash it in together and use the money to buy something totally frivolous.
154. Put some creativity and effort into the gifts you select. Never give her a gift certificate.
155. Always personalize the cards you give to each other.
156. Surprise each other with hugs and kisses when they are least expected.
157. Give him the gift he wants, not the one you think he needs.
158. Buy a gift bag, fill with sixty Hershey’s Kisses, and give it with a note that says, “For every minute of the hour I think of you.”
159. Wake each other with gentle hugs and kisses. Keep breath mints on your nightstand for just this occasion.
160. Make a wish for each other at every full moon.
161. Cook a meal together, and eat it by candle light, listening top the soundtrack of romantic movie.
162. Take nps together on rainy afternoons. And sunny ones, too. And when it snows. And…
163. Try new adventures together at least once a month, and save mementoes of the occasion.
164. Take pictures of every special occasion you share. Look at them together later.
165. Keep a relationship journal and read to each other often from it.
166. Display photographs of the two of you doing fun things together.
167. Be patient when you think you know what needs to be done but he hasn’t figure it out yet.
168. Respect each other’s everyday responsibilities demanding constant attention is selfish.
169. Emphasize the positive in your relationship—don’t focus on the negative.
170. Be sure to remind each other how blessed you are to have one another.
171. Overlook the mess she made if she was only trying to help you in the first place.
172. Expect that there will be bad times. Prepare for them by creating so many good times that the bad ones are easily outnumbered.
173. If you get a nice bonus, don’t hide it. It belongs to both of you.
174. Spend any leftover money on each other, not yourself. Be generous, not selfish.
175. Let her put her feet in your lap; kiss her toes when she does.
176. Let her wear your shirts, and don’t complain if she wants to keep one for herself.
177. Smile whenever you catch each other’s eye, regardless of where you are.
178. The next time there is a warm summer rain, go outside and show dance in it.
179. Shave his neck for him; use warm water and a sharp razor.
180. Sneak a kiss in public once in a while, when it is least expected. Be discrete.
181. Share a warm bubble bath after a hard day. Wash each other’s back.
182. Linger in admiration of each other’s best attribute.
183. Be sure to keep a photograph of each other in your purse or wallet.
184. Send each other goofy cards for no particular reason.
185. When you’re going out to celebrate a special occasion, let the maitre d’ know about it before you arrive.
186. Watch a Sleepless in Seattle together.
187. If you must comment on Meg Ryan, let it be only about her acting.
188. Never quiz each other about anything that may have been said while sleeping.
189. Avoid asking him, “Why don’t you say things like that?” after Tom Hank’s most romantic lines.
190. Throw away the glamour shots of old girlfriends or boyfriends.
191. Should you one day have children together, devote yourself to them above everything else.
192. Always make lots of time available to your children, and help each other take care of them.
193. Agree upon how to raise the children. Do not criticize each other’s actions in front of them.
194. If each of you has children from a previous marriage, help each other to become the best step parent possible.
195. Make the bed while she is in the bathroom.
196. Talk about a special moment you both have experienced that you wished would never end. Make it happen again.
197. Plan to have at least one “date” every week, and do some of the things you did when you were courting.
198. Lead him to a candlelit bathroom and a hot bath.
199. Celebrate the anniversary of your first date by doing it all over again.
200. Chase each other around the house once in a while. Get caught.
Reading each statement from this list were somehow giving me a wishful thinking of how I wish there could be a possible thing in one of this list to happen between me and my spouse. But I think this is just a wishful thinking and I know it won’t be in reality. So, sad but it’s the reality. Hopefully someone could use this…^_^
The other 201-300 would be too follow. So , enjoy the day!