Dodging Fantasy, and walking into the reality!

I guess, the time has come in order for me to end it. It’s not healthy anymore. I would say, I am currently indignant with my marriage situation I am in, but the fact that it’s not working, I have to stop it. Several girls in this world really would like to have a lifetime partner. A prince that will save them from the distress of being single, and love that a girl ever wanted. A happy every after effect, that’s what we are looking for. However, facing the harsh reality, happily ever after is not for everyone, just like me. I guess, I expect too much, and I am craving for an affection from a guy but it was dreadful. Love that is one sided and no proof of getting back would only put me in too much pain. Being martyr is not an option for me. I’ve been doing this, like for 4 years of this marriage, but I am only hurting myself in this kind of set up. I can’t take the pain anymore, and being so negative toward myself caused me too much. A collateral damage for my act of denying that someday, somewhere, miracles would happen for us. However, what Nora Aunor’s state in one of her movies: “Walang himala, nasa tao ang himala!” (There is no miracle, only human do the miracles” I deceived myself from the illusion of miracles. A miracle that he would love me, and somehow forget that girl. But some guys do really choose what their heart felt, even breaking the law. So, I did say to myself “Okay, let’s end it. Move on from our own pace.” I wouldn’t deny that maybe at some point, I’ve done something wrong. This might be the reason; I never had been into a relationship, and I never had the chance to experience the boy-girl relationship, and that’s why ended up with nothing. Being single woman is the most appropriate for me. Yeah, I might be selfish in this kind of thinking, yet I am protecting myself from going to another relationship that would end into oblivion. Is it wrong to be born as NBCB? (No Boyfriend since Birth) I guess not. It is only that one’s heart cannot be altered once it loves someone else. I don’t care about what other people says, all that matter now is letting things in order to free everyone that is involve with this parental marriage. A marriage that keeps his mother in pain, my parents who always think about my feeling, and relatives who are concern about us. I guess, once I cut the string off, it would set everyone else free. He can marry the person he loves, and free me from tying into a doubtful future. This is for the best, “That’s what I am thinking about!”

As much as possible, I wouldn’t be so negative on this post, and even say something from this pain I am feeling now, but rather, I would like to share with you guys the positive wisdom I did get from this marriage.

  1. I did find that love is such a wonderful thing. It’s no wonder that some people are addict finding this one, as it makes you happy. It’s like every day is a beautiful day. It even gives you the positive vibes, putting a smile in your cheek, and looking forward seeing that someone in the morning.
  2. I did realize my weakness, and the person who I really am.
  3. I also see the super ego deep inside me, and that I don’t have the most control of it.

I guess, that’s the high light of positive marriage life I had. However, the pain and the stress I’ve gone through is something extraordinary. I never had a painful experience in my entire life than this one, and it then follow after the other. If you’re going to ask me either I will go with the same experience or not, I guess that’s enough. I would gladly accept the fact of being single ‘til the end. Yet, I am not closing any door since Allah (saw) always has something that He destined for us to do. To tell you the truth, I don’t really know how will I coop up with this thing, but I guess I just let time heal itself. Compared to the previews years, now, my heart is somewhat calmer than the previews. I am happy that my freedom will be returned to me, yet sad because He was my FIRST LOVE. A fairy tale that came so soon, and ended so soon. Life is always imperfect, but thanks God I am alive, and I have my family, and friends whose there no matter what.

Live life to the Fullest

Live life to the Fullest

Advertisements

The Wandering Heart

After years, we’ve never been a real couple. Perhaps, it is me who is the reason for this or you who seems to be undecided on things you want to do in life. I always wander wither you really like me or not. I did question you this one, but the only thing you answered were silence words that the wind couldn’t even tell wither you utter a words or not. It disheartened me about this issue, but I couldn’t force you because I really am afraid that you might declare a negative words that will even give me side effects, just like a poison that could kill its patient in one drink.

I put every words on this writing because I have no one else to relay this one. Perhaps, I might be looking for someone to understand and give me the appropriate answer to my queries in your action. Or I might be hoping for you to read these words that I’m putting in this wall, because I always wanted an affection coming from you that no one else can give in this world. I am seeking love, not from a sister nor brother, not from a parent nor anyone, but only your love that I am after. Yet this one seems a light year away for me to reach. I didn’t even know if for example I would travel unto this, will I ever see myself at the end? I couldn’t tell.

Do you know that whenever you go home, you’re living a scar in my heart? Do you have a heart that could feel this wanting from a wife to her husband? Do you know that the one who is writing this one really does love you, but she’s been in doubting mood because she didn’t know you will? She couldn’t reflect herself to someone like you who put his self in a protected side of a barrier. You were planning a lot of things in your life, but do you ever think of a plan for us? I am afraid, I could tell you didn’t. It appears you don’t know what to do with me all along. I could never imagine with someone else better than you, but if ever there is someone who seems to care enough for the writer itself, who exceeds you, then maybe I couldn’t help but to hope for this one. You always left my heart a scar, and I didn’t know how long I will keep this. But remember, in everything there is always an expiration, as I said earlier, if there is someone who will go beyond you, who cares for me a lot more than you do, then let me say the word sorry but I might fell for this. You could not keep a wandering heart from wandering for your love that seems an impossible to reach.

Don’t let this heart from wandering, because someday it will grow weak from WAITING!

Wandering Heart

Wandering Heart

My Secret Love!

You thought I didn’t love you? I do love you dearly and earnestly. I could not tell you or show you much I love you so. I am looking for a thoughtful hug coming from you, a caress that will make me feel like “Im thankful that I was born for you”. I am longing for an affection coming from you my dear. But the circumstances aren’t working on us, my dear secret lover. I did dream of you last night. It was a Fajr prayer, since I didn’t see you for how many months now…from that dream I didn’t hesitate to hug you so tight as that I’ve missed you so much that it moved me to tears. You didn’t know how my heart longs for such a love that doesn’t come from anyone, but only you who could provide that to me.
I missed you, my secret love!
 
woman 2

Hoping

                As a married woman, I hoped for a good family and have a baby of my own. I was imagining myself for quite a while now like thinking “What would it be like if I had my little ones?” Will he/she inspires me? Will he/she motivates me to be at my best of all time? Will he/she gives me the happiness that I couldn’t find in this world? Maybe, if a little one comes my facebook, twitter, instagram, blogs and other related websites will be flooded with picture of her/him. I will probably flood my closet with many albums just for her/him. Every details will be important for him/her as well as for me. It brings happiness by thinking this.

2c17662f381af808af2cfe8c66a38e70

                I am always hearing so many stories about mom, and saw some friends with their little ones somehow I envy them. They tell their stories about being mom and posting pictures, and looking at them, I can see their happiness that you wouldn’t find from any single ladies. Looks that a mother only has for their little ones.  I always come to this point where I could just wish that one day I’ll have one, yet I am afraid it won’t come. As I type these words, I could almost cry imagining how happy it would be, and feeling regret of the event that be fall on me. A friend of mine told me that I might not be ready why God hasn’t given me little ones. Maybe she’s right, it now gives me the doubt if I can grow and protect a child with my own hands. Please, let me take these feelings into this writing just for once. I, also carry a burden that breaks my heart to the most that it kills me inside. As much as I want to control it, somehow it results to tears because I couldn’t carry heavily inside me.

Will we meet in the next life?

untitled

            I am a married woman, due to some circumstances; it feels like I am still single. No husband to worry about. There is no one to whom I can hang out with. Someone whom I can call my knights in shining armour. Someone whom I can tell everything, and anything under the sun, a play mate. However, what I conceptualize is very different from my reality. It is missed up. I was left the same I was back then. I don’t know, but maybe I brought these things up to myself. We are not yet divorce because he won’t let go of me. I always asked him to release me but he wouldn’t. I fell that he doesn’t need me and that he won’t be happy with me, why is he prolonging his own agony and mine as well if our star wouldn’t let it be. I love him so dearly, but in this life we could not control over something that is already in there. I don’t like to tell my full stories since there is that issue that should be left hidden to public. So, please forgive me if I won’t go into details.

            Sometimes, I do wander if we will meet each other in the next life, (though I know this perception is not in our Holy Book except death) but I can’t help but to wander about this. Are we going to meet again? Can we love each other again? Maybe some of you will tell, “why don’t you do it now while your still at it.” As far as I’d love to do so, I couldn’t. There is that force that is stopping me to do so. Maybe one of these reasons is not being so familiar with boys. I never mingle with boys. So, I don’t know how to react in front of them. I’ve been protecting myself from them, and learned to relay more on myself, and didn’t see the wanderof relaying to someone whom you really care the most. My childhood memories about being in love to someone were being shuttered in an instant. I wanted to blame everything around; however, I don’t have the right to do so. I will keep myself in silence.

            I am not looking for a piety, but I am just venting out just for this once.

Happy Bloggings

Sunday thoughts!

I place my worries in an unknown page where no one is so familiar with. The dream i had and the memories of you will be just part of a written page created only to be read by me in years to come, and someday I will have the opportunities to laugh about it…and tell to myself “Naoh, that was during my younger years…” hehe (just taking my imagination to a leap. Happy Sunday!!!! — feeling wonderful.

401-500 ways to show your love

This will be the last set of ways to show your love to your partner. Be sure to read them all in order for you to apply it on your own. It isn’t bad if you’re going to show it, right?

 

401. Always thank him for the hard work he does.

402. Celebrate each other’s achievements, especially those that required much effort.

403. Always give each other the benefit of the doubt.

404. Praise each other in front of your friends.

405. When you’re at a wedding together, dance as if it’s all about you.

406. The next time you watch a romantic movie together, try acting out some of her favorite scenes.

407. When he say, “you look sexy in that,” wear it again, soon/

408. In five minutes or less, make lists of why you love each other and share them together.

409. IF she needs your attention, give it.

410. If she picked it out for you, wear it.

411. If she asks you to get rid of it, chuck it.

412. Listen carefully for hints of places she would like to go. Find a way to take her there.

413. If he asks you to go along, go.

414. If he asks for hints, give them.

415. If he gave it to you, use it.

416. Surprise him by making arrangements for a getaway weekend.

417. Try to anticipate each other’s needs, and fulfill them in abundance.

418. Remember that sometimes you cannot see things clearly, and those times, have trust.

419. Make sure your mate never feels lost.

420. Give each other every reason to want to snuggle before falling asleep.

421. Trust—-and be trustworthy.

422. When the two of you are in the presence of other women, always keep your eyes in her.

423. Let your “yes” mean yes, and your “no” means no.

424. Let your “I do” always mean “I won’t with anyone else.”

425. Never do anything you would not want to have to admit to the other.

426. When the two of you are in the presence of other men, always kiss him at least once for all to see.

427. If you must have a conversation with an old flame, keep it short. Don’t keep it a secret.

428. Never look to blame each other when things don’t run out as well as you wished they had.

429. Let your business with your ex be just that—business.

430. Bring home a surprise gift—just for the pleasure of seeing the reaction.

431. Wear your wedding ring every day. Wear it with pride.

432. Always stand up for each other.

433. Be quick to believe good things about each other and slow to believe bad.

434. When she walks past, reach out to touch her.

435. Remember that you are stronger together than when apart. Spend most of your time together.

436. When you are away, try to get home early if you can.

437. When one of you has been away from home, buy flowers to celebrate their return.

438. When he reaches for you, move closer.

439. Look for reasons to begin a sentence with “I really appreciate it when you…”

440. When one of you is sick, clear your schedule and spend the day taking care of the other.

441. Surprise her by adding a few of your own words to your wedding vows. She will never forget it.

442. Walk up to him and say “You may now kiss the bride.” He’ll gladly do it every time.

443. Memorize your wedding vows and repeat them on every anniversary.

444. Strive to show your love in as many ways as possible. A few ways are simply, well, too few.

445. Learn how to make her favorite drink.

446. Don’t eat off each other’s plate, but if you think you must, ask first.

447. On New Year’s Eve, celebrate till there wee hours of the morning.

448. Treat each other to a weekend brunch at a favorite restaurant.

449. Keep his favorite snack in the pantry.

450. Listen carefully for hints of things she would like to have. Surprise her by giving them as gifts at unexpected times.

451. Plan a costume part together and invite your friends. Dress alike.

452. When you’re at a party, pay more attention to each other than anyone else.

453. Always acknowledge it when she tells you, “I love you”

454. Understand that he may not always use the most obvious words to tell you he loves you.

455. Say “I love you” as often as your mate needs to hear it, not just when you feel like saying it.

456. Read the Sunday paper together. Share the stories that strike you as particularly interesting, funny, or odd.

457. If you wake up first, make a coffee or two.

458. For no particular reason, surprise your mate with a new CD by a favorite artist.

459. Do the household and yard chores together.

460. Plant your favorite flowers together in the spring.

461. Keep yourself clean and smelling fresh. She’ll appreciate it.

462. Grab quick, passionate kisses when it’s just the two of you in an elevator.

463. Stop the elevator once in a while and share a longer kiss.

464. If she is sitting in a cold draft, change places with her.

465. Shave your legs all the way up. He’ll love it.

466. In the absence of elevators, quick kisses on escalators are permitted.

467. Have a breath mint right before you get home.

468. Replace his underwear as needed.

469. Be good to each other because it is good thing to do, not because you think you’re going to get something from it.

470. Never turn down affection or make your mate work yours.

471. Be proud to be seen together in public.

472. Give your mate many reasons to respect you. Many, many.

473. Pay attention to each other’s fears and give encouragement to overcome them.

474. While at a party, surprise her by making a toast to your relationship.

475. Its better never to get drunk when you are out together, but don’t be embarrassing if you do.

476. When sadness occurs, be comforting and supporting to each other.

477. When one of you is facing a difficult challenge, help carry as much of the burden as you can.

478. While at a party, let him over hear you brag about him to someone else.

479. Be sure to attend important events in each other’s lives.

480. At the end of the year, be sure to acknowledge the helpful things that were done for you/

481. Always have at least one New Year’s Resolution about improving your relationship. Live it up.

482. Sometimes a cliché is all that comes to mind. Don’t frown when he uses one.

483. Be careful never to take out your frustrations on each other.

484. You will have a fight. Agree on the rules of engagement before you have one. Stick to the rules when you have one. Make sure “kiss and make up” is a rule.

485. Sometimes all she wants to do is talk. Listen —and don’t set a time limit.

486. Learn to count to three before you get angry. Twenty-five would be even better.

487. Never make threatening statements like. “This is your last chance!” to each other.

488. When you have had a fight, be the first to make peace. It won’t kill you.

489. Give each other butterfly kisses sometimes, especially when one of you is waking up.

490. Put a chocolate kisses on your pillows on special occasions.

491. A quiet moment is a good time to say “I love you”.

492. Never go to sleep while you are angry with each other.

493. Understand that intimacy is her gift to you, not her obligation.

494. Whenever the other person makes a suggestion, give it serious consideration.

495. Ask each other questions before jumping to wrong conclusion.

496. Be willing to grovel when you are wrong. Maybe even when you aren’t.

497. Understand that he wants to make you happy. Let him know when you are.

498. Learn how to distinguish between big issues and things that don’t matter. Overlook those that don’t matter.

499. If you are unsure if whether you can resist temptation, stay away from what may attempt you.

500. Show each other a Love sigh every day. When you have shown all that you can think of, start over and show them all again.