Dodging Fantasy, and walking into the reality!

I guess, the time has come in order for me to end it. It’s not healthy anymore. I would say, I am currently indignant with my marriage situation I am in, but the fact that it’s not working, I have to stop it. Several girls in this world really would like to have a lifetime partner. A prince that will save them from the distress of being single, and love that a girl ever wanted. A happy every after effect, that’s what we are looking for. However, facing the harsh reality, happily ever after is not for everyone, just like me. I guess, I expect too much, and I am craving for an affection from a guy but it was dreadful. Love that is one sided and no proof of getting back would only put me in too much pain. Being martyr is not an option for me. I’ve been doing this, like for 4 years of this marriage, but I am only hurting myself in this kind of set up. I can’t take the pain anymore, and being so negative toward myself caused me too much. A collateral damage for my act of denying that someday, somewhere, miracles would happen for us. However, what Nora Aunor’s state in one of her movies: “Walang himala, nasa tao ang himala!” (There is no miracle, only human do the miracles” I deceived myself from the illusion of miracles. A miracle that he would love me, and somehow forget that girl. But some guys do really choose what their heart felt, even breaking the law. So, I did say to myself “Okay, let’s end it. Move on from our own pace.” I wouldn’t deny that maybe at some point, I’ve done something wrong. This might be the reason; I never had been into a relationship, and I never had the chance to experience the boy-girl relationship, and that’s why ended up with nothing. Being single woman is the most appropriate for me. Yeah, I might be selfish in this kind of thinking, yet I am protecting myself from going to another relationship that would end into oblivion. Is it wrong to be born as NBCB? (No Boyfriend since Birth) I guess not. It is only that one’s heart cannot be altered once it loves someone else. I don’t care about what other people says, all that matter now is letting things in order to free everyone that is involve with this parental marriage. A marriage that keeps his mother in pain, my parents who always think about my feeling, and relatives who are concern about us. I guess, once I cut the string off, it would set everyone else free. He can marry the person he loves, and free me from tying into a doubtful future. This is for the best, “That’s what I am thinking about!”

As much as possible, I wouldn’t be so negative on this post, and even say something from this pain I am feeling now, but rather, I would like to share with you guys the positive wisdom I did get from this marriage.

  1. I did find that love is such a wonderful thing. It’s no wonder that some people are addict finding this one, as it makes you happy. It’s like every day is a beautiful day. It even gives you the positive vibes, putting a smile in your cheek, and looking forward seeing that someone in the morning.
  2. I did realize my weakness, and the person who I really am.
  3. I also see the super ego deep inside me, and that I don’t have the most control of it.

I guess, that’s the high light of positive marriage life I had. However, the pain and the stress I’ve gone through is something extraordinary. I never had a painful experience in my entire life than this one, and it then follow after the other. If you’re going to ask me either I will go with the same experience or not, I guess that’s enough. I would gladly accept the fact of being single ‘til the end. Yet, I am not closing any door since Allah (saw) always has something that He destined for us to do. To tell you the truth, I don’t really know how will I coop up with this thing, but I guess I just let time heal itself. Compared to the previews years, now, my heart is somewhat calmer than the previews. I am happy that my freedom will be returned to me, yet sad because He was my FIRST LOVE. A fairy tale that came so soon, and ended so soon. Life is always imperfect, but thanks God I am alive, and I have my family, and friends whose there no matter what.

Live life to the Fullest

Live life to the Fullest

The Wandering Heart

After years, we’ve never been a real couple. Perhaps, it is me who is the reason for this or you who seems to be undecided on things you want to do in life. I always wander wither you really like me or not. I did question you this one, but the only thing you answered were silence words that the wind couldn’t even tell wither you utter a words or not. It disheartened me about this issue, but I couldn’t force you because I really am afraid that you might declare a negative words that will even give me side effects, just like a poison that could kill its patient in one drink.

I put every words on this writing because I have no one else to relay this one. Perhaps, I might be looking for someone to understand and give me the appropriate answer to my queries in your action. Or I might be hoping for you to read these words that I’m putting in this wall, because I always wanted an affection coming from you that no one else can give in this world. I am seeking love, not from a sister nor brother, not from a parent nor anyone, but only your love that I am after. Yet this one seems a light year away for me to reach. I didn’t even know if for example I would travel unto this, will I ever see myself at the end? I couldn’t tell.

Do you know that whenever you go home, you’re living a scar in my heart? Do you have a heart that could feel this wanting from a wife to her husband? Do you know that the one who is writing this one really does love you, but she’s been in doubting mood because she didn’t know you will? She couldn’t reflect herself to someone like you who put his self in a protected side of a barrier. You were planning a lot of things in your life, but do you ever think of a plan for us? I am afraid, I could tell you didn’t. It appears you don’t know what to do with me all along. I could never imagine with someone else better than you, but if ever there is someone who seems to care enough for the writer itself, who exceeds you, then maybe I couldn’t help but to hope for this one. You always left my heart a scar, and I didn’t know how long I will keep this. But remember, in everything there is always an expiration, as I said earlier, if there is someone who will go beyond you, who cares for me a lot more than you do, then let me say the word sorry but I might fell for this. You could not keep a wandering heart from wandering for your love that seems an impossible to reach.

Don’t let this heart from wandering, because someday it will grow weak from WAITING!

Wandering Heart

Wandering Heart

My Secret Love!

You thought I didn’t love you? I do love you dearly and earnestly. I could not tell you or show you much I love you so. I am looking for a thoughtful hug coming from you, a caress that will make me feel like “Im thankful that I was born for you”. I am longing for an affection coming from you my dear. But the circumstances aren’t working on us, my dear secret lover. I did dream of you last night. It was a Fajr prayer, since I didn’t see you for how many months now…from that dream I didn’t hesitate to hug you so tight as that I’ve missed you so much that it moved me to tears. You didn’t know how my heart longs for such a love that doesn’t come from anyone, but only you who could provide that to me.
I missed you, my secret love!
 
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A day with ZUMBA

         Zumba for Fun

           I would love to entitle this blog of mine as “My Love affair with Zumba”, but as you can see I didn’t do it for the reason that readers might say something about being weird. Anyway, I wanted not to write this, but my mind wanted this to put it into words and share the feelings that I am experiencing right now. So let’s start. I know most of you my dear readers tried Zumba, or having their daily dose of exercise thrice a week, right? Now, here is the question; what kind of feelings that you mostly felt after doing a one hour of exercise? Do you feel lighted? Do you feel more energetic perhaps? Share it to me, and I would like to know about it from your point of view. From my own experience, I would feel more relaxed. I’ve been into some mind bugging stuff in my life the past few months, but I am trying to recover myself and forget it day by day. I no longer wanting to experience those feelings when you are consume by something that you never wanted to experience. But life always tests us with unexpected experience. Zumba, became one of my outlet to let this thing out of my system.

                At first, I wanted to give up from this routine since it made me so tired, and feel the pain all over my body every next morning. However, I did thought it would be a waste if I don’t continue it. As the days goes on, I did pursue this hobby until such time that I am already hooked. It became a part of me. I don’t like working out alone. I love when so many people there, who shares the same interest as I do. There were those days where I don’t enroll at all, but when I do that, my body seems to be aching looking for this type of work out. For this reason as much as I can I would save from my salary for this one. I always intended to pay 800 pesos for one month where in good for 12 sessions.  This thing is equivalent for thrice a week in a month.

                I do this work out for one hour thrice a week, but usually I do this four times. After this, my friend always invites me for a 30 minutes’ walk. This made me even loss some sweat in a day, which is of course I am thankful for. Maybe, if I am not into this kind, I am probably a heavy weight right now. If you see me in person, you could say that I am a fat person, but I no longer deny that fact. I already accept the fact that this me, a fat young adult and no offense being committed. This body is a God givens grace, and that I need to be thankful for it. Maybe, someday in God’s will, I might reach the ideal weight for a 20 plus young lady as I am. Cheers! ^_^

The ANSWER

          Two people from a different race, culture and having different set of believe, just suddenly brought by a certain events in their life that two of them came across with each other. A conversation took place upon their meeting. The guy was called by the name “King of Heart”, and the woman was called “Sharmain”. Both of them had a story to tell, but they didn’t reveal both of their stories due to restricted private life. In a certain conversation, King of heart suddenly asked the woman if she do believe in Love. He did clarify that it’s not that he is entering in her concealed life, but he wants to help her to see the real purpose and real basis of her true self. In unexpected way, the woman was then shocked when a stranger did ask her about it. A very sensitive question that she didn’t expected to hear from someone she doesn’t know. The woman was very hesitant in answering the question, but she needs to, because for the first time someone did asked her about it. This is the reply of Sharmain;

          

“I do believe in love, but to some extent I don’t, like True Love. This kind of stuff is only visible in a fairy tale story. It doesn’t last long enough to support things in life. I could give you an answer to your questions, but never did I expect for you to question that.”

LOVE

LOVE

                King of heart just paused yet he didn’t reply. The woman thought that she just gave out an answer that she keeps it long enough within.

The memories of the child with in me.

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          I, once hold a cherished feeling that I would never thought it would come that early to me. Back then, 11 years ago, I still remembered those words you have said about me. Your words were like an arrow that triggered my mind out of it, and even the fragile young heart within me was being captured by it. I know that you didn’t mean those words, but for me, it was like sleeping in a sweet dream and never wanted to wake up from it. Until now I could still remember those words, though not that exact but the positive meaning of it really engraved within thy heart. Ever since I heard those enchanting words of yours that day when I was young, I keep on thinking and thinking over and over again, until such time that this feelings evolved into something I didn’t even know how did it came to it. I cherished those feelings more and more each day. It gave me light in pursuing so many things, and turns into an admiration that made me stronger to give my best shot as much as I can in pursuing my studies. It helps a lot. Seeing that person from a far really made me through it. When I wanted to give up something because of my weaknesses, the only thing I could do was to look at you and try even harder to fight. You were like a light during my darkest hours.

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There were moments when I couldn’t look at that person’s eyes, and I am even afraid of talking to him. Maybe, I was too shy to start a conversation with that person and even in our teen life. I was like an ice being frozen when that person wanted to start a conversation with me, and when that happens, I usually wanted to avoid him as much as I can and keep myself far far away from him. However, doing that always makes me want to say to myself “how stupid I am”. I don’t know what was I fear all about back then. That the only thing I know was, not to let that person know about those sentiments I have. It was an unspoken feeling and until now that person didn’t even know it, after all those years of being a schoolmate and became friends. Deep inside, I am always cheering him up. Though I could not convey those words directly, but I would only wish and say it to the wind, hoping that it would reach that person.

            Asking about myself, about my feelings towards him right now, I could say it was already in the past, a sweet memory. The passage of time for us has been too fast and the distance for us has been too far. The child within me will always cherish those feelings forever, but as for me, the present me, will always thankful to that person because I have the chance to experience those emotions I never thought it would come in my one single life on earth, even though it was unrequited, yet that person kindness will always be engraved in my childhood heart. Maybe were not soul mates at present but maybe during our past life, we were. You will always be the “oji-sama” that I dreamed of when I was young, and it will remain as that forever. Moving forward is the only thing I could do now, yet deep inside me, I am always cheering that person where ever he goes.

          Wherever you are, I wanted to say “Thank you” for the courage that you brought me, even though you didn’t even know it. hehe

Will we meet in the next life?

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            I am a married woman, due to some circumstances; it feels like I am still single. No husband to worry about. There is no one to whom I can hang out with. Someone whom I can call my knights in shining armour. Someone whom I can tell everything, and anything under the sun, a play mate. However, what I conceptualize is very different from my reality. It is missed up. I was left the same I was back then. I don’t know, but maybe I brought these things up to myself. We are not yet divorce because he won’t let go of me. I always asked him to release me but he wouldn’t. I fell that he doesn’t need me and that he won’t be happy with me, why is he prolonging his own agony and mine as well if our star wouldn’t let it be. I love him so dearly, but in this life we could not control over something that is already in there. I don’t like to tell my full stories since there is that issue that should be left hidden to public. So, please forgive me if I won’t go into details.

            Sometimes, I do wander if we will meet each other in the next life, (though I know this perception is not in our Holy Book except death) but I can’t help but to wander about this. Are we going to meet again? Can we love each other again? Maybe some of you will tell, “why don’t you do it now while your still at it.” As far as I’d love to do so, I couldn’t. There is that force that is stopping me to do so. Maybe one of these reasons is not being so familiar with boys. I never mingle with boys. So, I don’t know how to react in front of them. I’ve been protecting myself from them, and learned to relay more on myself, and didn’t see the wanderof relaying to someone whom you really care the most. My childhood memories about being in love to someone were being shuttered in an instant. I wanted to blame everything around; however, I don’t have the right to do so. I will keep myself in silence.

            I am not looking for a piety, but I am just venting out just for this once.

Happy Bloggings