Dodging Fantasy, and walking into the reality!

I guess, the time has come in order for me to end it. It’s not healthy anymore. I would say, I am currently indignant with my marriage situation I am in, but the fact that it’s not working, I have to stop it. Several girls in this world really would like to have a lifetime partner. A prince that will save them from the distress of being single, and love that a girl ever wanted. A happy every after effect, that’s what we are looking for. However, facing the harsh reality, happily ever after is not for everyone, just like me. I guess, I expect too much, and I am craving for an affection from a guy but it was dreadful. Love that is one sided and no proof of getting back would only put me in too much pain. Being martyr is not an option for me. I’ve been doing this, like for 4 years of this marriage, but I am only hurting myself in this kind of set up. I can’t take the pain anymore, and being so negative toward myself caused me too much. A collateral damage for my act of denying that someday, somewhere, miracles would happen for us. However, what Nora Aunor’s state in one of her movies: “Walang himala, nasa tao ang himala!” (There is no miracle, only human do the miracles” I deceived myself from the illusion of miracles. A miracle that he would love me, and somehow forget that girl. But some guys do really choose what their heart felt, even breaking the law. So, I did say to myself “Okay, let’s end it. Move on from our own pace.” I wouldn’t deny that maybe at some point, I’ve done something wrong. This might be the reason; I never had been into a relationship, and I never had the chance to experience the boy-girl relationship, and that’s why ended up with nothing. Being single woman is the most appropriate for me. Yeah, I might be selfish in this kind of thinking, yet I am protecting myself from going to another relationship that would end into oblivion. Is it wrong to be born as NBCB? (No Boyfriend since Birth) I guess not. It is only that one’s heart cannot be altered once it loves someone else. I don’t care about what other people says, all that matter now is letting things in order to free everyone that is involve with this parental marriage. A marriage that keeps his mother in pain, my parents who always think about my feeling, and relatives who are concern about us. I guess, once I cut the string off, it would set everyone else free. He can marry the person he loves, and free me from tying into a doubtful future. This is for the best, “That’s what I am thinking about!”

As much as possible, I wouldn’t be so negative on this post, and even say something from this pain I am feeling now, but rather, I would like to share with you guys the positive wisdom I did get from this marriage.

  1. I did find that love is such a wonderful thing. It’s no wonder that some people are addict finding this one, as it makes you happy. It’s like every day is a beautiful day. It even gives you the positive vibes, putting a smile in your cheek, and looking forward seeing that someone in the morning.
  2. I did realize my weakness, and the person who I really am.
  3. I also see the super ego deep inside me, and that I don’t have the most control of it.

I guess, that’s the high light of positive marriage life I had. However, the pain and the stress I’ve gone through is something extraordinary. I never had a painful experience in my entire life than this one, and it then follow after the other. If you’re going to ask me either I will go with the same experience or not, I guess that’s enough. I would gladly accept the fact of being single ‘til the end. Yet, I am not closing any door since Allah (saw) always has something that He destined for us to do. To tell you the truth, I don’t really know how will I coop up with this thing, but I guess I just let time heal itself. Compared to the previews years, now, my heart is somewhat calmer than the previews. I am happy that my freedom will be returned to me, yet sad because He was my FIRST LOVE. A fairy tale that came so soon, and ended so soon. Life is always imperfect, but thanks God I am alive, and I have my family, and friends whose there no matter what.

Live life to the Fullest

Live life to the Fullest

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The Image through the Moonlight Rhythm!

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                I played your songs in this quite night. It seems I am typing these words through my keyboard where I imagine of playing the moonlight in a piano along with an orchestra as it arises my imagination in a splash! Let me give an insight of what image I do see in thy rhythm, as to let this feeling of you go through with the wind and cast it away in thy darkness.

                The writer herself feels she was a heroine in a very tragic story, where her other half (husband) betrayed her for a woman from a far distance. In comparison to other people in thy history, some royalties were imprisoned by their own destiny. Most of them marrying the person who claimed by their clan to be with her/him as to increase their wealth, and produce so many linkages with so many famous people. Prestige, wealth and pride were at seems to be the most precious that a person could ever have. It seems a futile to go against the tide of betraying the clan, since what is at stake is thy name of thy family, THE HONOR. Two hearts intertwined by faith without even giving a chance for their hearts to settle. Do you think will they ever last? Will you ever love someone as per instructed by the people nearest you? Most of the reader would answer to choose faith as predicted by their own will.

                What’s the hardest is that heart cannot be instructed to whom you will give thy love! A man who love somebody more than his life is something unbreakable. Even if you chained him to other woman’s chest. It will just cause pains and revenge. True love cannot be departed from each other. Though, a woman who became the third wheel is the most painful that a human can feel. Tormented by unrequited love. Forever dreaming of unrealistic event of the man he thought she would love. Tears beside her bed, and a thorny roads along her way. Day by day imagining the love she would have. Seeing the image of the man he has, but never has she owned, together with his woman that he loves but never owns. A woman whose heart is in pain, is like a curse that neither medicines, time nor miracles can heal! A man can tell lies after lies making his own credibility worsen, nevertheless, this is just a small amount of a price to pay compared to the heart being lied to. Forever being delusional of something she will never have, a pain that will kill her every day of her life. Hoped that she had married the first and the last man in her life, but it turns out to be a dead dream! Forever in the eyes of emptiness!

Will we meet in the next life?

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            I am a married woman, due to some circumstances; it feels like I am still single. No husband to worry about. There is no one to whom I can hang out with. Someone whom I can call my knights in shining armour. Someone whom I can tell everything, and anything under the sun, a play mate. However, what I conceptualize is very different from my reality. It is missed up. I was left the same I was back then. I don’t know, but maybe I brought these things up to myself. We are not yet divorce because he won’t let go of me. I always asked him to release me but he wouldn’t. I fell that he doesn’t need me and that he won’t be happy with me, why is he prolonging his own agony and mine as well if our star wouldn’t let it be. I love him so dearly, but in this life we could not control over something that is already in there. I don’t like to tell my full stories since there is that issue that should be left hidden to public. So, please forgive me if I won’t go into details.

            Sometimes, I do wander if we will meet each other in the next life, (though I know this perception is not in our Holy Book except death) but I can’t help but to wander about this. Are we going to meet again? Can we love each other again? Maybe some of you will tell, “why don’t you do it now while your still at it.” As far as I’d love to do so, I couldn’t. There is that force that is stopping me to do so. Maybe one of these reasons is not being so familiar with boys. I never mingle with boys. So, I don’t know how to react in front of them. I’ve been protecting myself from them, and learned to relay more on myself, and didn’t see the wanderof relaying to someone whom you really care the most. My childhood memories about being in love to someone were being shuttered in an instant. I wanted to blame everything around; however, I don’t have the right to do so. I will keep myself in silence.

            I am not looking for a piety, but I am just venting out just for this once.

Happy Bloggings